Tying up my hair in scarfs. There’s a certain similarity to that and what I wish to do with my emotions. I wish I could confine them, get them out of the way where I can’t see them, all while maintaining a pretty image. In spirit of Monday’s read on my thirst for travel, I’d like to present you with something meaningful once again. I believe after just one short year of blogging, I have lost myself in the noise. Individual style is not an issue, neither is my ability to implement it.
My issue lies within the in betweens. A blogger with ambition, a girl willing to put in whatever work necessary, this is I. In being just that, I lose myself forcing success upon my blog and as an extension, Instagram. You may be wondering why and that why is exactly what I intend to dive deeper into, to explore further.
Other Recent Posts:
My Gypsy Spirit and it’s Origins
My Road Trip Bucket List: Where I Want to go and Why
Tying up my Hair (Emotions) in Scarfs
You must be wondering why ambition could be so toxic.. I myself wouldn’t necessarily put the two words together. And yet, after a year of blogging, it makes more sense than the purpose of my own two eyes. Let me paint a picture for you. It’s all well and good to share nice, positive sentiments of how quality matters more than numbers on Instagram and it’s ok to miss out on campaigns because you don’t have a large enough following. Pave your own way, focus on producing the best art you possibly can and the rest will work itself out.
But I need to stop you there. This just isn’t true. Numbers mean nothing if your content isn’t authentic, original or useful but numbers also lead to exciting blogger opportunities. If you can master the two, than you are in fact the winner of us all.
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Perhaps you don’t like what I’m saying, I don’t know if I even do and yet, I can’t shake the words off. I’ve been caught in a nasty cycle and it goes a little something like this: I focus on producing the best version of my art I possibly can, in combination with not worrying about numbers. This makes me feel pretty okay as I reflect on my feed but then I’m hit with no’s when I reach out to businesses I have no “business” reaching out to. I allow slow weeks of growth to weigh in on my happiness, to allow myself to question my decision to be a blogger.
What do I do as a result? I attempt to tie up my emotions, like I do my hair, when it annoys me. I tie it up with my favorite scarf and try to make it look pretty. But the reality is, this is anything but pretty. It’s a destructive form of coping. You have two decisions in life, solve the issue at hand with whatever solutions you can think up or look away and try to put on a pretty face through it.
Most of the time, I attempt to put on a pretty face and tie my emotions away, out of sight. It’s a silly way of thinking but you almost begin believing they’ll go away if you can’t see them. I believe I’ve coped with my struggles to grow this blog in two forms. The first being my aforementioned hair scarf method, the other being what I like to call, “temporary growth efforts and assimilation.” I think we as human beings have universal, default ways of dealing with various situations in life. When we want so desperately to achieve like those we look up to, sometimes we choose against logic and our better judgement, to conform.
We figure, if everyone else is growing and becoming popular this way, than we must do this as well, so we too can enjoy success. As a result of this way of thinking, I feel I have lost my voice and as a secondary result, my blog’s ability to function as a space that serves to help and inform others. Whether that might be through inspiration, information or simply providing a fun outlet for others to explore.
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I don’t want to let the year get away from me. I have a voice and a passion to create art and that is exactly what I want to do here within my virtual space. No longer shall I look to others for guidelines on what content I should be producing. I will create these guidelines myself, as I see fit. From this moment on, I will not force anything.
I will let my blogging road map be one determined by fate rather than by my own doing. All we must do in this world is create with our hearts a life that fills us with joy and art all around us that makes our soul’s complete. No amount of sheer force can achieve any significant long term result. When we set out to find our true calling and pour our hearts into that, great things will happen but only because they were meant to be, not because we attempted to make them so.
I’m an artist, with a camera in my hand and a passion in my heart to create. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone through numbers, likes or anything in between. I want to pour myself into every little word I type on my laptop and let it be a reflection of whats going through my mind. At this point, I want to re-evaluate.
My work shouldn’t be anything short of what my best abilities can produce. Blogging can only hold meaning and value if we feed it these things. It’s not a right to obtain success much like those we look up to. It’s a privilege, it’s a gift given in reward for our best efforts. So I will treat it as such, untie the scarf in my hair and let my emotions run wild.
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Its time for my space to reflect what lies within my heart.. To dive deeper than writing uninspired/ over used content or publishing anything less than my very best. I wish to share meaningful, original content in some way or another. It’s amazing how the most simplistic things, like hair scarves, can lead to such significant discussion. It’s all about perspective, as I am learning everyday.. As well as this truth I attempt to fully realize: life is meant to be lived free and open. As I learn to embody this, I will live like the free sprit I was always meant to be.
